Larry, Pa Grape and Mr. Lunt: We are the pirates who don't do anything

We just stay home and lie around

And if you ask us to do anything

We'll just tell you, "We don't do anything!"

 

Pa Grape: Well, I've never been to Greenland

And I've never been to Denver

And I've never buried treasure in Saint Louis or Saint Paul

And I've never been to Moscow and I've never been to Tampa

And I've never been to Boston in the fall

 

All: 'Cause we're the pirates who don't do anything

We just stay home and lie around

And if you ask us to do anything

We'll just tell you, "We don't do anything!"

 

Mr. Lunt: And I never hoist the mainstay

And I never swab the poop deck

And I never veer to starboard

'Cause I never sail at all

And I never walk the gangplank

And I've never owned a parrot

And I've never been to Boston in the fall

 

All: 'Cause we're the pirates who don't do anything

We just stay home and lie around

And if you ask us to do anything

We'll just tell you, "We don't do anything!"

 

Larry: Well, I've never plucked a rooster

And I'm not too good at ping-pong

And I've never thrown my mashed potatoes up against the wall

And I've never kissed a chipmunk

And I've never gotten head lice

And I've never been to Boston in the fall

 

Pa Grape: Huh? What are you talking about?

What does a Rooster or mashed potatoes have to do with being a pirate?

 

Mr. Lunt: Hey! That's right!

We're supposed to sing about pirate-y things!

 

Larry: Oh.

 

Pa Grape: And who's ever kissed a chipmunk?

That's just nonsense! Why even bring it up?

(To Mr. Lunt) Am I right? What do you think?

 

Mr. Lunt: I think you look like Cap'n Crunch.

 

Pa Grape: Huh? No, I don't!

 

Mr. Lunt: Do too.

 

Pa Grape: Do not.

 

Mr. Lunt: You're making me hungry...

 

Pa Grape: That's it, you're walking the plank!

 

Mr. Lunt: Says who?

 

Pa Grape: Says the Cap'n, that's who!

 

Mr. Lunt: Oh yeah? Aye, aye... Cap'n Crunch! Hee hee hee.

 

Pa Grape: (Charges at Mr. Lunt) ARRRGH!

 

Mr. Lunt: Yikes!

 

Larry: And I've never licked a spark plug

And I've never sniffed a stinkbug

And I've never painted daisies on a big red rubber ball

And I've never bathed in yogurt

And I don't look good in leggings...

 

Pa Grape: You just don't get it.

 

All: And we've never been to Boston in the Fall